The last couple of weeks have been rather tolling on me. Between drama and insecurities, it began to feel like things were falling apart. I started to feel extremely unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. I found myself wondering what I had done to be excluded from several different things. I wouldn’t tell anyone either because I felt like I needed to be the strong one. I tend to be like a mom/older sister to those around me. I take on that role and I put all of me on the back burner, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. It is not healthy to bottle things up.
Well, last night at the college service at my church, I found those emotions that I had put on the back burner pushing forward in the form of water droplets falling from my eyes. First slowly, then all at once. I tried so hard to hold them back, but I found that the dam that had been, had just completely crumbled. I found myself pouring my heart out to about 7 or 8 girls, out of whom I only knew three. I was being completely vulnerable to a bunch of strangers who knew nothing about me. I told them of how hard it had been the last couple of weeks to truly feel loved and wanted. After our group split, I continued to talk to a friend about it and really just open up to her. I allowed myself to be even more vulnerable and open about what had been going on and it was one of the best decisions I made that night. While she and I were still talking, one of the other girls in the group, who I didn’t actually know, walked up to me and gave me a sheet of paper and a hug. On the paper, there was the reference 1 John 4:7-21. She said that when she struggled with insecurities, she liked to look at this passage and encouraged me to do the same.
When I returned to my dorm, I made myself a cup of tea and created a little nook under my lofted bed. I made myself comfortable and read the passage she gave me. It talked about God’s perfect love and how God is love. Every fiber of his never-ending being is perfect love. The verse that stuck out most to me, even though I had read it many time before was verse 18. It talks about how perfect love casts out fear and how love and fear cannot coexist. I currently have the reference written on my wrist and I plan on keeping it there for a while.
I also began to think of the verse John 3:16. Typically, when you grew up in the church, this is one of the first verses you would have heard. It talks about how God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son. As I was meditating over the scripture I had read, and listened to some Bethel worship, I realized that yes, God loves the world, but it could have also been worded that God so loves you or God so loves me. Since I was struggling with feeling unloved, this had been so perfect to realize, and it wasn’t by accident or coincidence that I did.
If you feel unloved or unworthy, remember that there is absolutely nothing you could ever do to earn God’s love. God gives his love to us so freely and willingly, all we have to do is accept Him. I hope and pray that you have a blessed day.
In peace and love,
1 John 4:7-21
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 John 4:18
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. -John 3:16